What Ails Ya? - 'my body felt as though it had turned back to stone.'

 What Ails Ya? 

Hand Drawn Digitised, 2025.

As Winter set in my body ached again. The colder months in Adelaide aren't to kind on bodies that ache, my muscles became rigid again and I fell into a slump. This was the last hand drawn collection along with another for the exhibition THE STORM with the SICK AF Collective for 2025. 

My days during Winter were spent hibernating, napping as my body felt as though it had turned back to stone. My neck plagued by dystonia again and old friend that greets often however, with Winter it becomes daily. 

I talked to a Neurologist about this earlier on in the year who prescribed me "Why don't you go on a yoga retreat?" and "Join a community group to keep your mind busy" Whilst frustrated at the feedback I was thankful that it was under the public system and I didn't have to pay. However, the lack of accepting and erasure of my pain was quite clear; being a patient in pain is often overlooked for women this isn't an individual experience; it echoes through every woman's journey with pain. 

I went to my GP who offered a strong muscle relaxant but had warned me that I wouldn't be able to do much. My body already with limitations I thought to myself as I looked at the script "How much more limitations am I prepared to deal with for momentary relief?" I filled the script but I never actually took any. I wanted to still be able to drive my children to school within a body with limitations I wasn't prepared for my quality of life to go down in order to find relief, it's quite hard to choose between the little acts of doing I can do versus pain relief. The medication was thrown into my cupboard of trailed and failed attempts of new medications and untouched medications. I did clean out that cupboard in the year 2025, I filled up my bag and went to my chemist and asked them to discard the medicines. My alternative pills and potions I also threw out, it felt quite liberating in a sense I had held onto the idea of being cured for a long time searching for the thing that would heal me. Instead, I now had a sense of acceptance this is my life now, this is my reality. 

I slumped further into pain and managed my Winter without the additions of new medications with the thought of this is my life now. Whilst the grief ball resurfaced, I had a strong belief that I would be ok. It's ok to live with pain while others don't this was the deal I was handed to me since birth.

I have for many years previously before my onset of new conditions, felt pain. I am no stranger to pain, living with a limb difference and moving my body differently than others my whole life takes a toll after decades. My muscles on my left side are slack and sitting up is a sport for myself as my body slides and slumps to the left I constantly shift my body back to a straighter stance. The lower part of my residual arm within my elbow joint that allows me to move my elbow holding things into place now the bones grind against each other and at times become stuck. I also have recurring bursitis in my left shoulder due to the lack of bicep muscle, my shoulder bone swings in and out subluxed due to poor ligaments and tendons. As the decades grew it became a normal theme throughout the months and years, periods of intense pain. 

Sleeping becomes hard at times due to this subluxation, if I lay on my left side my bone falls out of place and if i lay on my right side with my residual arm resting on my side gravity also moves the bone out of place. I fall asleep at times holding my arm together, so I don't feel the shooting and throbbing pain.

This is my life now, I say to myself as I breathe and close my eyes. A mantra that could be seen as a negative however for myself I view it as acceptance. 

Within this hand drawn and digitised collection is a look within, the inner the muscle and skeletal aches, pains and ailments that at times consumes my whole being. Unable to think about anything other than the throbbing and pulsating pain within. 

'A Pain in The Neck' is a drawing of the neck muscles that seem to turn to concrete with dystonia due to FND, unable to move my neck in a smooth motion and at times what I call a head flop, certain neck muscles become weak and give way and I cannot hold my own head up for hours.

A Pain in The Neck, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

'EyeScream' is a drawing depicting the pressure I feel behind my left eye. My muscles seem to pull and twist around my eye, it causes migraines, visual disturbance and I cannot sleep lying flat due to this extra pressure. 

Eyescream, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

'Weight of The World' is a drawing of the inner workings of the Shoulder depicting the bursitis, subluxation of my bones due to the decades of moving within a body that moves differently due to disability. 

Weight of The World, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

'Searing Sinews' is a drawing of the muscle structure of the shoulder, chest and ribcage. It depicts the chest pain of no known origin that comes with Dysautonomia, Functional Neurological Disorder and laxed muscles due to a limb difference.

Searing Sinews, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

'In Limbo' is a drawing of a spine, scoliosis runs within my family. For myself I have lower scoliosis which causes lower back pain within daily tasks and is now magnified due to Functional Neurological Disorder. 

In Limbo, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

'I'm Stumped for a Name' is a drawing based off of an Xray I had done decades ago due to the issues I was having with subluxation, torn tendons and the grating of my bones. Nothing was done with that Xray besides the Doctors around hovering to have a glace of how my limb difference formed. 

I'm Stumped for a Name, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

This collection has a recurring theme of nature. Florals, leaves and vines sit closely nestled within the human body depicting our closeness toward nature and a reflection of our own human nature within in regard to pain and how we perceive it, live with it and have a natural tendency to run away from pain.