Heavy - 'My toolkit is empty.'

HEAVY

Hand Drawn Digitised, 2025.

'I told them spiders in my head, 

as i lay on a cotton sheet bed;

no answers yet'

Heavy is a collection of old drawings that didn't have an assigned collection attached to them. However, created throughout the years since onset of Functional Neurological Disorder and POTS.

This collection relates back to my mental health conditions of C-ptsd, Major Depressive Disorder and Psychosocial Disability.

I had hit a lull, heavy and an all-consuming low within the Winter periods of the year 2025. A theme throughout my journey with my added conditions, life didn't seem so light and I couldn't create at all. I felt a complete stop, attempting to draw made me still feel this gnawing numbness, it felt as though my entire nervous system hit at an all-time stop. 

It also coincided with receiving the reports I desperately needed in order to start to receive any supports. I knew that in order to receive these supports I had to not focus on the one condition that has had the biggest impact; FND. This is due to the systems in place using the FND diagnosis as a loophole for rejections; they won't accept FND without a stack of paperwork from numerous specialists, that was something I just didn't have funding for. 

But it was very clear that I had developed FND due to C-ptsd; due to childhood adverse events. The fact was without these events happening within such an important time of childhood development, I wouldn't now live with FND.

So, we used my mental health conditions for the reports. My psychologist told me that reading these reports wouldn't be a fun read she also made it clear that what she had to write on paper isn't a reflection of how she perceives me; unfortunately she had to word it without including any of my strengths and good qualities. She also stated that it would cause a rupture within our professional relationship; psychologist and client and she didn't like having to do this so soon however the need for the supports triumphed that relationship. 

I didn't think it would have affected my mental state; I live it every day. My mental health conditions have been with me since a young child so I didn't really think it would hold much emotional ground; but it did. With the understanding that it was done in such a way for supports it still niggled at me. 

A mental health Functional capacity report was done along with other reports outlining how mental health affects my everyday life and functioning. Clinical terms and jargon were written down. As I read the reports I felt two things, I was proud of her hard work the reports were written so well and reflected my reality very well. I was so grateful that she took the time out to write these reports and help me. However, whilst reading the reports I also thought to myself "am I really that bad? That far gone? That out of touch from reality and my own body?" And then the old tapes played within my mind. Old tapes are recorded voices from others "you're weak", "you're so pathetic", "harden up" and my childhood installations of "your wrong, there's something wrong with you, you shouldn't exist, your existence is bad." 

I however knew that these things weren't of me, they are just my programing. But the rumination didn't stop and the mind isn't so kind. So, I had to sit with it for months and months whilst in a depressive state. 

I was looking for outward tools to self soothe however, the self-medicating tools I once used I couldn't now because of FND and POTS. I couldn't have a beer, eat sweet treats or go take my mind off of it by going out to the shops to buy stuff or going for a drive down the beach. All of these tools that I used to have, unhealthy or not I no longer could use. 

My toolkit is empty. 

So, I tried to draw, I really did but I cannot draw within that low period I have tried over the years but it's made me go further into a deep depressive state. I myself cannot draw within these states, for myself art comes in after the high end of a low; when it lifts. It's a time for reflection and lightness like a deep sigh, a warm tea in a big mug or a warm blanket. Art for me is recovery after the storm has passed, my self-agency has to be online for myself to be able too.

I thought how cruel, in the time I need it the most I can't. I understand my process and the why however, it feels like a part of me is lost when I cannot create. And it definitely shows in my daily life I look sadder, I don't smile or laugh within these periods and I talk less. 

Because I couldn't create, I looked at my artwork on my computer and found the art that wasn't a collection these pieces were done within times the low was just creeping in and I realised that I wasn't getting the calm and nourishing feelings when I create. During these pieces I have thoughts about my existence and my yearning in those moments not to exist. 

Living with C-ptsd and the shame and guilt surrounding it, the self-silencing after the imposed silence and the all swallowing clinical depression where colour seems muted and a heaviness within my chest consumes my entire being. 

I don't particularly create in regard to C-ptsd and I assume it's due to the overall silencing and self- based shame that survivors feel. I also find it difficult to put it into words nor do I think I should; the topic of C-ptsd is for myself and psychologist. However, I do feel that the overall theme of this collection is rooted in trauma, it just doesn't convey the horrific memories surrounding it.

 However, with all of the self-work I've done alone and with my psychologist since onset of conditions in 2022 I have with a kind approach created an exhibition for Creating Space that touches on C-pstd and childhood adverse events. It's gentle it doesn't touch on the graphic imagery within my mind; it's done in a way that others with C-ptsd from childhood adverse events would be able to connect and resonate to. This in itself shows self-growth this isn't something I would have shared prior to onset of conditions via my art practises. 

This collection has themes of Perceptual Bias and how a person with C-ptsd from childhood perceptions are severely distorted and fractured, the ghost of the former self is a drawing depicting the loss of identity that comes with sudden chronic illness, a creature called low symbolic of major depressive disorder and a drawing that I physically cannot describe without triggering my nervous system into flight/ fight. This collection serves a reminder and awareness of the major impacts of C-ptsd, Major Depressive Disorder and Psychosocial Disability.

Perceptual Bias, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2025.

The Derangement, Digital, Open Edition, 2022.

Low, Hand Drawn Digitised, Open Edition, 2024.

Ghost of The Former Self, Hand drawn, Digitised, Open Edition, 2023