Anatomy Art Collection - 'A deeper self-exploration, asking the question why did this happen to me?'

April 12, 2025

Anatomy Art Collection - 'A deeper self-exploration, asking the question why did this happen to me?'

Anatomy art

'MY BODY MOVES,

YET I STILL RESIDE WITHIN MY HEAD;

A REMINDER.'

Anatomy Art is a collection I drew in 2023 its subject is the human body as I moved to more curiosity surrounding the question of why did I develop Functional Neurological Disorder?

During this time I was spending more time around my house rather than bed bound, my level of tolerance to stimuli ever so slightly increased to a point that I could be around others movements and listening to my family speak and interact around me. I also spent time talking with them more, the symptoms still felt quite severe and I had many drop out moments of laying on the lounge unable to talk or move until the wave would pass. I had a better understanding of when to kindly push versus needing to retreat to a quiet room, at times I could tolerate and other moments I had to leave. It felt strange having to leave a room in my house and leave my family to play without me, that disconnect I felt and I’m sure my children did to; however they themselves had a level of understanding of my conditions and without fear or worry attached. I didn’t want them to feel fearful so as the Ambulance trips stopped the children felt as though they could relax a bit more. I wore loop earplugs at times so the noise was a bit less of a struggle and at times I would wear my sunglasses inside to drop down the visual stimuli.

I had expressed to my partner that I would love to hand draw again as technology was hard due to the undertone of lights that are within computers, it didn’t feel natural and while it served a great purpose at the start I wanted to retrain my hand to work with paper again. We purchased some art supplies an Art book which was in A5 size, something I had never worked with before however a larger size felt overwhelming. I wasn’t to know that this choice would create a stronger art style and better work but I knew I had to work small and very slowly, I also used black felt tip pens. This small compact book I could carry into the lounge room or into my room under my armpit it was a very accessible format for my conditions and limitations also my quick need to uproot and move.

My body was still very effected by FND and Dysautonomia however I was told at rehabilitation to push myself to do and then rest, whilst my tolerance levels were still very low and not what an able bodied person could handle this was now my reality and I had to just make do with what I had. I still had every symptom I had from onset I was still having these big moments a wax and wanes throughout the day, hand drawing felt like the start of drawing with digital technology it came with its own issues. I wasn’t able to rely on certain functions like magnify and zooming, I couldn’t erase layers that I messed up. Because of these things I no longer could use I had to focus more which in turn made drawing even more difficult. At times only a few lines were drawn and then the void would come, eyes dizzy the world turned and moved around, my hand would seize up or tremor and my heart rate would be thumping through my chest while laying down drawing. I persisted and had that question running within my mind why did I develop FND? At the start of drawing I thought I wouldn’t find the answer to the questions within the lines I drew, at the end it was no longer a question.

As I was drawing my past traumas were flooding back in within a timeline sequence. If I look at my experiences within a linear time frame it became clear how multifaceted, multilayered and complex they were. I didn’t just have one trauma I had almost a whole lifetime of traumas and experiences. This encompasses sexual assault and torture, physical and emotional abuse within home, severe neglect and invalidation, lack of therapies and supports.

It also encompassed stigma and bias towards my limb difference throughout schooling to later in life trying to obtain what one normally would, a job and a car licence; also within that invalidation of how life is different due to how the world perceives disability.

I could see my own behavioural patterns of survival and taught behaviours instilled at a young age, those behaviours are again layered some are of total self-destruction and other behaviours are minimalizing my own experiences.

Later on in life as a young adult being in a very toxic and abusive relationship, having to choose to become homeless again just to remove myself out of that situation. Then the stalking and harassment after, also themes of invalidation within that experience of the police not helping me at all.

Also just as a general, behaviour to perform well and overdo it so people could see that I was capable; I felt I had to prove what I could do and I believe that is due to ableism external and internal.

It was staring me in the face I had lived a life of chronic stress, hypervigilance and a nervous system built on flight/ fight. I would spend my days doing so many things and that was a behaviour of ignoring the inside chatter and trauma that resides within my subconscious mind. But how was I to know that my nervous system was in constant overload and stress? It was all I had ever lived. We know that chronic stress can cause sickness and illness; I just never thought it would happen to me because it felt normal; it was my normal since early childhood. I had also believed if I had my medications I would be fine, that slight numbing I thought was enough for my nervous system; I was wrong.

Within this time period I had many differing emotions and feelings immense anger at the people who had hurt me, the people who let me down and didn’t take care of me. And also feelings of utter self-hatred, I felt as though I had done this to myself and it was my fault because I couldn’t cope with my experiences, that I was a weak individual; I still have those thoughts at times but I remind myself that there is only so much one human can endure. Reality is no one would come out a well-adjusted, happy, non-mentally ill person with my exact life experience if they said that they would be lying and it would just be a façade. And I’m not going to lie I still do this behavioural pattern of ‘I’m fine’ but I am certainly not.

Within this time creating these pieces I should have had access to Psychology however I could not afford it, so I went through this process alone with my partners support. I did learn a lot about my behaviours and started to notice when I would shut down or be triggered and I decided to only touch on these topics as they surfaced within the present moments. I touched on these triggers with my partner, while I didn’t want to burden him I couldn’t hide it from him, he would pick up on little cues and energy and kindly remind me that he was a safe person and let’s talk it out.

I remember feeling annoyed that all of these things were resurfacing at a time that my body felt so broken and exhausted, no one would want to process these things when you can’t feel your legs properly. It was exhausting and taxing on my fatigue levels and symptoms but I do understand why they came out, I asked myself that question and I got the answer I got what I wanted; a deeper insight. It’s now a bit of a joke with me and my partner “Remember when I asked myself why I developed FND?”

I want to add within these posts that are in relation to FND and my experience is not the same experience for others. Many people with FND do not have any past traumas nor mental health experiences. What I don’t want to happen is to change your ideas and beliefs of FND based off of my experiences and base everyone’s experiences living with it, if they are saying they have no past history please believe them when they say it, I wouldn’t want my writings to be a disservice to the FND community and to think of it as all just mental health based. I’d like you to think more so of brains and nervous systems and how they are different within each person. Some people fit within the cause to be trauma and others do not, I believe it’s more complex than we may think.

This collection of anatomy drawings are all hand drawn, scanned and digitised. They are titled to what they are rather than a write up of each drawing these pieces did not process this way it was a reflection of my inner body and my inner brain, my subconscious mind where the trauma resides. These pieces came out of the question and within the lines the reasons were connecting.

'Creating safety in a body

that doesn't feel safe

is fucking hard,

but we persist.

it's brave to stand.'