Listening to Your Body - 'Don't let the mind tell you it's superior.'

 

'ive dropped my armour, 

my soft skin lay bare,

a sense of rawness,

authentic; staying true to self.'

Listening to Your Body

A foreign concept to me I never really felt what my body needed. I was always rushing around in acts of doing as a form of running away from my mind. Simple things like ignoring the signals of hunger because I felt doing was a more important act and I'll do it later, or having a full bladder screaming at me to empty I would ignore it and that normal bodily function would just have to wait because a task I was doing was more important than my bodies needs. I would ignore rest within sickness; I would also ignore the need for rest in general.

 

Some days I would wake up at 7am get the kids to school and get to work, finish work, do dinner, clean up, and spend my nights having me time or spending time with friends until 3am enjoying life. I was always on the go and resting wasn't a priority at all. That seems to be the norm within society, being busy is congratulated, and this urge to pack in so much in one day; something to conquer is a strong theme within society.

 

When FND hit a big task came up and that was listening to my body, I now didn't have the choice to disregard its signals. I couldn't fight the sleep attacks, the lead like legs trying to walk, the tremors, tics, the visual loss, seizures. All these things were telling me to stop. Nor could I ignore the complete stop episodes where I would be unable to respond; stuck inside my body watching on unable to communicate my need for help; a complete locked in feeling.

 

I almost see it as a gift in an odd way because if you asked me can you feel your feet prior to FND I would have looked at you strangely of course I can, but I wouldn't have actually felt them. As my nervous system pulsates and sends the wrong signals I know one thing; I can feel. Previously I was so detached from my own body but now I feel a scrambled connection; a connection nonetheless.

 

My body now sends mostly the correct signals, they didn't at the start I didn't feel hungry signals for around a year and my other signals were so scrambled that I couldn't prevent big episodes. Learning to be in tune with my bodies needs was one of the biggest and hardest of lessons. It took a lot of time, being mindful, tuning in and honouring my bodies needs and asking it questions. I found meditation to be helpful around this time, I was able to feel emotions and the inner bodily feelings; I felt that though I was meeting myself for the first time again.

 

There are quite a few little oddities my body does now a constant twitch in my eye for four days was a subtle signal I had a viral infection. A delay in pain response, after a bump many days can go by and then the pain comes; I have to think back to a possible fall, bump or crunch. There are some very scrambled signals and most I have gotten used to the big out of the blue episodes are the ones that I don't think I ever will get used too; no rhyme no reason. My body doesn't function normally anymore I sleep in the most contorted of ways, my body stretches and pulls away from the left.

 

When I am sick from flu FND is full steam ahead and I act accordingly, I rest and retire from cooking, cleaning and driving.

 

The curator I work under she was printing art for an exhibition and she said in relation to a paper "It didn't align with my central nervous system." And I had a big chuckle reading it because she herself has learnt to honour her body and listens in intuitively and I thought it was a great question to ask oneself 'does this align with my central nervous system?'

 

Does my body want to do this? Does it feel good inside? Is my surroundings kind towards my nervous system? I start to gauge in when symptoms come out and question the why with curiosity. I know that I'm better in nature than I am within the harsh settings of a shopping centre. The onslaught of lighting, that underlining of constant chatter and the mix in of the music they play and the amount of products looking for one thing is absolutely exhausting for my nervous system and my body soon follows suit with cognitive decline, slurred speech, visual issues and I cannot walk; my legs turn to jelly.

 

I now do simple things to honour my body by listening to it.

 

When my body tells me to rest, I rest.

When my bladder is full, I empty it.

When my body is hungry, I nourish it.

When my body is craving something, it gets it.

When my body is restless, I move a bit.

When my mind is thirsty, I feed it with art and learning.

When I feel heavy, I nurture it.

When my body is triggered, I work through it.

When my body tells me to stop, I reset.

When FND feels more present, i enquire within as to why?

When my cognition declines very quickly, I stop all tasks.

When I am in sensory overload, I cut it down.

When I notice I’m moving too fast, I slow down.

When I get emails from an ex, I leave it.

And when my body is telling me a certain person isn't safe or situation, I listen.

 

All of these things show my body I'm listening to it in an honouring way.

 

I also don't do things my body doesn't want to do I no longer lump myself around doing things I cannot do, promises of attending regular appointments I kindly suggest a combination of phone and in person is best suited, I advocate for my bodies needs by saying no or compromise.

 

I remember for a solid six months my body was craving chickpeas and I ate so many, this coincided with the start of peri-menopause. I didn't realise that chickpeas can aid in natural estrogen and unknowingly i was trying to boost my dropping estrogen levels at that time. Many months later I realised that they can help with estrogen levels and I chuckled to myself, the body is such a smart entity it can make us suddenly crave things our body is needing; how intuitive.

 

I also live with Cptsd so those gut feelings, flight and fight signals were never assisted within my early childhood I could not ensure my own safety, nor did that adults within my life, so there are a few blips within listening in. Previously a trigger would come out as shut down or anger but I have learnt what my body is remembering by looking inward. So instead of reacting to something I'm unaware of, I listen in and voice that I am triggered because of a certain situation. The body holds trauma and self-awareness is the most powerful tool one can use in conjunction with therapy. I also have to give FND a big applaud because without it, this journey wouldn't have even begun as hard, difficult and a 'brings you to your knees' condition it has been the driving force behind these changes and inner insights. I would have remained the same on the go, stretching myself too thin people pleaser I was; I didn't honour myself or my body in the slightest. I also wasn't taking the time to work through my past experiences that lead to Cptsd. I was such an uncaring person towards myself; always putting others needs above my own.

 

Listening to your body and tuning in eventually others around you tune into their own bodies. My partner said that he felt anger and then realised he was overstimulated from the hustle and bustle of a house hold of five, he then asked what I do when I feel that way and gave him a few ideas. That growth of a partner understanding his own inner workings and his own nervous system is beautiful to witness.

 

FND also greatly helps us understand our daughters ASD I am able to verbalise stimuli. One birthday my partner was blowing up balloons as they filled the room my speech started going and he noticed. Is this too much for you? I suggested it may be too much for little one when she gets home; it was. So I’m able to express stimuli issues and verbalise it in a way that makes sense rather than a child having a meltdown unable to express it; I am the buffer. Now my partner can predict FND blips and ASD triggers it has made him an intuitive carer to both of us.

 

I am in no way shape or form in any stage of remission of FND and in some aspects I have declined. However listening in is one the tools to manage the condition as best as I can. I can normally tell how bad FND will affect me during the day by how I feel waking up, some days my nervous system is so over charged and stimulated this is felt by a bouncing internal tremor that is forever present but is felt quite a few more notches up than my baseline. So I listen in and work with how my body is with kindness and compassion.

 

Ask yourself the question how does my body feel? What is my nervous system telling me? What my own individual mind, body and spirit connection? Also ask yourself the questions am I honouring my body? Am I giving it rest? Am I listening to its signals?