The Sting of Envy - 'It feels wrong and icky.'

'i had lost myself;

i had found myself again.

oops gone again.'

The sting of envy

With sudden disability comes a time of grief and remembering the ghost of the former self, it also comes with the sting of envy.

 

This is a normal process and one shouldn't feel shame for it. I didn't feel as though i was an overly envious person, growing up with a limb difference I learnt very early on not to compare myself to others as I would always perceive myself as somehow less; because I wasn't a fully formed human. I focused on myself, I loved my eye colour my hairy Italian body. I didn't perceptive physical appearance as anything important. And I also didn't compare myself to how well others were doing within their lives careers, houses, finances it really didn't bother me I didn't strive to conform with the image of society.

 

So it felt really strange when I started to feel that sting of envy after my conditions. I remember we went to the park my partner pushed me in a wheelchair there, I watched them play, run, climb trees and tumble around and I sat in that wheelchair and silently cried. It started as the grieving of the former self and then it actually reflected onto my family, I was jealous that my partner could move around with ease; drink a caffeinated coke or enjoy a beer. Hold on I thought this feels disgusting and wrong on all levels why am I envious of my partners abilities, without his abilities we wouldn't be able to care for us so I thought it was ludicrous of myself to feel these feelings. I felt utterly and completely wrong for having these feelings, so I kept it quiet and I tried to stuff it down. We all know that doesn't work it will resurface and boil up.

 

Around this time my friend who lives with ME/CFS suggested a book ‘How to be Sick’ by Bernhard, a book written by a woman sharing her own experience of CFS. Within that book she described these exact feelings and I felt relieved; ok I'm not a monster this is normal. I read her experience with this sting of envy and how she helped herself. There was something along the lines of saying to her partner "I hope you have a good time" as he was going out for a dinner and it was expressed it was done through gritted teeth and feelings of envy and the more she practised this envy lifted and it was easier. Envy comes from grief, we must acknowledge that grief and envy when it surfaces and work with it.

 

As time went on I took great delight in watching people move, my partner nearing the age of thirty seven still doing cartwheels and climbing up trees with ease; I have a deep laugh in response and my eyes widen with amazement. I see my son boxing and can see how hard he's able to hit and again I'm laughing that deep laugh and eyes of amazement again. Also watching my friend who is a dancer at her old age still limber enough to move her body in such glorious ways; a delight to the eyes. I actually live to see humans moving around I enjoy it so much. I have always loved watching people move around since childhood, watching action movies as a young girl I loved viewing strength and flexibility of people. I see my limb difference as reason to becoming the observer vs. the doer; i just forgot within the grief.

 

Another big thing for myself to move forward was, when I connected my past traumas as the predisposition factor I was livid, ‘How dare these people do such horrendous things to me and I'm the one now disabled from it, why do they get to enjoy food, walking, moving and talking while I’m here having to decline a delicious doughnut because I know it will cause a cascade of symptoms, laboured breathing, dizzy, tachycardia and a sleep attack. I'll never be able to eat out with my little family again it was ripped away from me and these people.’  Sound familiar? This experience isn’t only for disabled people as a consequence of abuse, it is a common mind space for people with adverse childhood experiences it just sounds different.  

 

That utter rage that one feels when disability is due to wrong doings is hard to manage and that's because it has a big charge within us, and also the feeling of the desire for retribution is strong within survivors of abuse, when nothing was ever actually done.

 

I realised that while it was normal to feel that way who wouldn't. But it was taking the joy out of my life and I was ruminating and ruining my days. I didn't want to live my life bitter, I wanted more softness within my life it isn't to suggest one stuffs it down, you sit with it feel the rage in all its entirety, sit on it meditate on it. I had to reframe it within, the reminder of I never really compared myself to other people or their own abilities and life styles, some of these people were completely unaware, or just didn't care and that's ok. But I can decide if i am self-aware and I can care about fostering softness and kindness within. Forgiveness isn't for the abusers it's for yourself and the work that one does is for yourself.

 

This was just recently re triggered as my psychologist confirmed that my conditions are a direct result of the abuse and chronic invalidation throughout my life was the biggest factor in developing FND “It takes a very kind of specific prolonged trauma with chronic invalidation.” Those words struck a chord and that was because a clinician was saying it now; not just my conclusion it was the first time it was validated. I got out of that session and I sat back in it for a week and it will be great to dissect with her within the next session. I had realised this time though where the trauma resides in my body and within my spiritual practises what to work on; the heart. So in hindsight it was great because I've learnt something new. That ball of interwoven fire ball of trauma resides within my chest.

 

Within other humans I could see how these feelings would come up for example a person crashed into you and now you are suddenly in a wheelchair that grief and envy soon envelopes you, it's ok to feel that I have to again make this a highlight; this is normal, you are not wrong to feel it. And I think that people may feel it more if they were the doer more so than the observer, the charge would be stronger. I had worked with a client for a duration and she seemed to be stuck in this stage; she was a doer. After decades she still felt the grief and the envy really strong. I wish I knew what I know now, I could have had a discussion about it and I would have known how to help her better, but life doesn't work that way unfortunately it's all via lived experience. It was so devastating to witness, her accident was still fresh decades later and the feelings we go through in the early days still stuck and loomed over her.

 

What is important is that you do not stuff it down and ignore it, sitting with grief is a powerful tool, sitting with the ghost of the former self is a powerful tool and sitting with the sting of envy is another powerful tool. It is a time of deep feeling, self-reflections and learning; the inner work.

 

It's also important to get that charge out. This time around instead of just meditation and deep self-reflection due to myself being more vocal I talked to my partner and he said to me "It's late, everything is done for the day, let's go outside and box, don't worry I'll catch you if you fall and I'll get you to bed safely." And it definitely helped get that charge out in a healthy manner.

 

Jealousy and envy is a normal experience with sudden disability and we shouldn’t feel shame for it, nor stuff it down and not talk about it. When we talk about it we can learn more about ourselves and how to move forward.

 

A great reframe is ‘I compare myself to yesterday’s me and not others.’