Garden Delights - 'Deep into meditative states, my garden speaks.'

April 18, 2025

Garden Delights - 'Deep into meditative states, my garden speaks.'

I had spent a period of time in the year 2023 reading spirituality books as I had no formal supports. I used these books as a way to view things differently and to read practises, I figured if I couldn't access help books would suffice for now. Looking back I went into it with higher expectations than I should have, I had spent duration of time using various Naturopathy and Homeopathy and I had believed that if I tried and searched hard enough I would find a cure. Within this time was an underlining period of non-acceptance and also this notion I could cure myself from my conditions. There was a period of scrambling before I started these practises I had wasted so much money that I didn’t have on detoxes, remedies and tinctures, I came to the realisation it was the inner nothing I could physically take would cure me. What a wild, wild ride so far but another ride was to be had and this one was actually quite fun.

The self-help book phase, once you pick them up you want to read all of them and put little things into practice, you read more and more books and there is a complete overload of information. It can, if one isn't careful almost ritualistic and unhealthy searching for answers in so many different publications and too using too many practises. Much like what we see within social media a total barrage of different teachings from different people, the same goes for books; it can consume you.

My backyard was my sanctuary I would lay out my yoga mat and read or draw. I felt a sense of peace and at times elation during my meditation and adapted floor yoga. It felt great, that learning to slow down created some great behaviours and meditation helped slow down the mind chatter. I was also exploring my body and the adapted yoga that I did helped me feel my body more, where it hurt, where my sadness rested within myself. It felt peaceful feeling the sun on my body and watching the clouds move by. During this period of time I also retrained my breathing it took many months from transition to chest breather to belly breather; it is natural now for myself to belly breathe.

I would watch the trees and plants around me in my backyard move violently with the winds speed, or the leaves would vibrate ever so softly. It felt like it was all a physical reflection of my own nervous system. We see a tree its base never moves but the branches do a reminder to foster a sense of grounding. It felt like I was witnessing my own nervous system within the plants around me.

Singing bowls, meditation and yoga times it was really fun and calming during this period. Within my adapted yoga raising a leg up my leg would shake aggressively or get stuck up in the air unable to get it back down, after my thirty minute practise ended my body was in more of a calmer state, less rigid and stiff i was more relaxed and my body moved with more fluidity; my leg raises had more flow at the end of the practises.

Whilst I enjoyed this time and practise I can look back and see in hindsight it went into it with the notion of cure and i wanted it to heal me on a level that I wanted, but it remained; my conditions and trauma my mind was still haunted by my past and my nervous system still was in a state of hyper; it just gave me better coping mechanisms that I still practise to this day; a break in the chain.

It also felt when looking back getting 'high on your own supply' while useful when all one feels is heavy, it's just creating those happy chemicals within. I found that within meditation it can almost give you a high feeling like a Valium the first time you take it; floaty. I don’t think it’s inherently bad or a negative to use these practises, i do think people who live with trauma would gain from practising these things however it should be paired with professional therapy.

I also went into these practises wanting to create a sense of safety; however that never came to fruition because I've never really felt safe within my life. It came to a point I felt as though i was deluding myself into believing that breath work, mediation and yoga would heal me and the realisation would kick in and I'd feel like a failure and somehow I must of being doing it wrong. My default setting seems to be stemmed within heaviness rather than lightness that is due to Cptsd, these practises were just simply little breaks i could now create for myself. I've built some great coping strategies to fall back into when needed. In the future I would like to get to a place within life that those coping strategies are used less as they wouldn't be needed as much, but I do acknowledge Cptsd is a lifelong issue.

The mind patterns remained, i was however able to witness them without avoiding it, sitting with it with acceptance and just allowing it to be. Thoughts and feelings are only temporary however i find the stronger the emotion the more attachment therefore the more it feeds. Learning to sit with these big feelings for as long as they needed to be felt, it felt empowering and actually nice to sit with my sadness, grief and anger. I believe out of all of the experiences that was one of the best things to come out of it.

I learnt many good things about myself within that time of practise, even just the slowing down and watching the clouds, stopping and just enjoying the present moment.

I learnt that I can create some kind of sense of safety; meaning manufactured feelings of safety within and it does feel good. I don’t write that to suggest that it’s a negative it serves an important purpose and at times gives a much needed break from such heavy feelings and mindsets.

It does get to a point though where there is only so much breath work, meditation you can do, it can consume what feels like your whole day and that's when it can become unhealthy and ritualistic. It prevents life itself to happen rather enjoying moments always on alert of where the nervous system is, maybe I took it to the extreme within moments I'm sure others have too.

I don't do breathing within times of anxiety but I definitely do these practises during big episodes it helps ease the heaviness and the initial fear of certain episodes it creates a break in the chain so self-agency can return. I do these practices more within the states of already calm highlighting those moments and focusing on them. It then at times can fall more naturally within times of stress an automatic pause and breath.

So my thoughts on meditation, breath work and slow yoga, it's good to have as a skill, but it's not the only skills we need within life. It will not cure you fully like some books suggest or we believe, it will create breaks within the chains so one can feel calm and centred so self-agency and reasoning can come back. It can also regulate one's nervous system but we can't be in a constant state of calm, that isn't healthy and actually is unhuman, we can't deny the other feelings of being a human.

I do find the spiritual community to be a bit ableist they can tend to push this will heal all of your wounds, past traumas and they even go deeper into saying it will cure these Ailments and when one doesn't your then at fault, you’re doing it wrong. Can we just accept that disabled bodies exist? And we can still enjoy the benefits of these practises within disabled bodies? Can we just accept the darkness and not always have to be thinking within the light? It can potentially cause further damage to vulnerable people. I still use my practises to this day, but I also acknowledge I am not healed or cured and that’s ok the practises themselves have some kind of benefit.

This collection is an ode to the plants that helped me within this time, these plants are not within my garden of desert plants they are merely a reflection of nature and how it can reflect to us our inner. One of my favourite activities still to this day is looking at trees, how the leaves are moving it creates a nice little reminder that we are connected to earth on a deeper level and that plants can teach us about ourselves.

I hope I have shared both the dark and light sides of going down the spiritual pathway well, I can acknowledge the good and the bad of my experiences and the tools that I have gained are used still to this day and I’m happy to have had the overall experience.

One of the images is ‘Digitalis’ and this is a nice story to share, I was going on very slow short walks within this time if my body allowed and i was drawing digitalis as the subject I was using this in Homeopathy and I felt sad that I wouldn't see one in the flesh. I thought i would have to go to the Botanic gardens to view it.

Within this walk I was slumped over a pram my eyes were dizzy, I was struggling to breathe, my legs felt like cement and the fatigue was crawling in. I was looking at the pavement as I was dizzy just focusing on my steps and out of the corner of my eye there it was; freshly planted Digitalis. I paused for a moment am I really seeing this right now or am I actually unconscious on the floor right now? Did the universe here my call for wanting to see one in the flesh, I smiled with joy and took photographs on my phone and dragged myself back home to rest. I had now a reference rather than from Google, Digitalis that i seen with my own eyes. It felt like a gift and it was a very special moment in time for myself.